In the midst of chaos, or life as it is more commonly known, your priorities change constantly – or do they? When everything appeared to fall apart, that was my problem. I kept believing that I had no sense of focus, could make no decisions that I could stick to and had this repetitive feeling of instability. It was nothing anybody else had done, or hadn’t, it was merely my unconscious screaming at me to think about what I wanted, rather than doing what you think is right, or what you feel you need.
The birthday was here again last week. They appear to come round quicker as you get older, one friend even asking if this was my second this year! I thought it would be a difficult one, first birthday without mother and reaching 34, an age my never father did, yet it wasn’t like that. Sometimes we focus too much on dates or events to reflect and remember the difficulties life throws at you – something I have been guilty of for too many years to mention (well 34 obviously!) Those small moments of vulnerability where the painful memories creep in are not something to fight, or to save up until the correct date. They’re also not something to dwell on or judge yourself about – you are usually your own worst critic, when in actual fact you should be your biggest fan. Not in an obnoxious egotistical way, however, you get the idea.
So for a few minutes on my birthday this year I did get upset, yet this time there was no judgement against myself, I did not see this as a sign of weakness. It was birthday and I missed my parents, it’s completely natural, however it was my birthday and a lot of people in my life wanted to make it special for me. Why? There is no why, and when you stop asking that question do you finally realise that you never need to ask that question again of those who really matter and you remember what’s important in all this and what it’s all about – you.
A while ago someone very special said to me “last night I felt like me again.” I understood what they meant, or I thought I did. Last weekend I realised at that point in time I actually didn’t know what the true meaning of what they were saying was, after my 34th birthday weekend I finally get it.